You Told Me So...

I have been terrible about updating this blog recently. My goal is to do better now that my hectic month of February is over. But yesterday I had a very strange/life-changing experience and wanted to share it with y'all.

I was on my way back to Chicago with the Fourth Church middle school youth from our Winter Retreat in Wisconsin. We were in the van driving away from the camp and I was thinking about my graduate school options. I have been in the process of applying to graduate schools to get my master's in accounting. Where to attend grad school has been on my mind a lot lately, so it wasn't unusual that I was thinking about it. What was weird and disconcerting was that I suddenly had the sense that I was not on the right path. My head starting pounding and I couldn't hear anything but the blood rushing to my head. I was completely overcome with emotion and had to try really hard to keep my composure since I was in a van full of people. The only thing that kept running through my head was the sense that I should be going to seminary next year.

I know it sounds strange, but this really did happen. It's hard to describe...and hard to talk about. I have felt called to do things before, but never like this. I felt called by God to go on my first mission trip back in middle school. I felt called by God to work as a camp counselor one summer in high school. I felt called by God to do a year of service here in Chicago. But I have never felt such a strong calling before. The skeptic in me tried to convince myself that I was just sleep deprived, worried about going back to graduate school for accounting and excited about how well our retreat went. But the other part of me cannot accept these things as reasons to not listen to my experience. So what if I was tired? Maybe I am worried about going back to school for accounting because part of me knows deep down that isn't what I'm meant to do with my life. And who cares that I was in a good mood because the retreat went well? Experiences such as the one I had do not happen all the time. Isn't everyone always complaining that God doesn't speak to them clearly enough? I am pretty sure that more than once this month I have said something along the lines of, "Why doesn't God speak through burning bushes anymore?" This might be the closest thing to a burning bush that I'll ever get.

I have thought in the past of going to seminary. Well, let me clarify that statement. For about a year, I have been considering seminary. It wasn't until I went to the YAV Placement Event in March of last year that I even considered seminary. Prior to March of 2011, seminary seemed like a distant place filled with stuffy old white guys who just sat around debating the merits of Calvin. Now, I know there is a lot wrong with that sentence, but when I was a kid that image got into my mind somehow and never seemed to work its way out. As I got older, I realized that these stereotypes of seminary from the 1850s were not accurate, but I never considered myself as someone who would fit-in at a seminary. I thought theology would be boring and just semantics. I was worried the things I believed would not be accepted or ok. The list goes on and on....but more recently I have been wondering if these reasons were valid or just excuses.

For me, February has been the month of Vocational Discernment. I went on 2 different vocational retreats and have spent a lot of time thinking about life, the future, vocation, my calling, whatever you want to call it. I have also had many conversations with people wondering if seminary is in my future. Since I work at a church, I wrote off many of their questions as just them wanting to make me go to seminary. I would hate talking about my plans for the fall because it always made me really nervous. If I had decided on a Masters in Accounting, then why wasn't I happy? Why wasn't I excited to share my plans for the future with anyone? When everything fell into place about my YAV year here in Chicago, I felt like I was always talking about it! I was so excited!! So maybe that feeling of dread that came over me wasn't just nervousness about the future. Maybe I should have listened to that little voice in the back of my head sooner.

I am always telling the kids in Elevation that God speaks to us through every day situations- and I honestly believe that. Unfortunately, I was apparently too stubborn and boneheaded to pay attention to the signs in my own life. I basically needed to be slapped upside the head to get the message. To those who kept asking me about seminary and not accepting my reasons as actual answers, thank you and you were right. Please feel free to say, "I told you so!" the next time I see you. Your questions, though unwanted at the time, are now very much appreciated.

As of right now, I do not know where I want to go to seminary or what I want to do with an M.Div. HOWEVER, I am not going to let that be a deterrent any longer. It is no longer the 1850s- the student population in seminary is more diverse. My thoughts and ideas are just as valuable as someone else's. Theology is not as stuffy as I thought. (Granted, I still think it would be really easy to get caught up in the semantics and not actually have a conversation about anything real, but that is beside the point.) The skeptical part of my brain will just have to take a rest for a little while. Man, who knew that 3 minutes could change your life so drastically?

If you have any questions/comments - feel free to email me. Additionally, if you have any reading suggestions to help me to figure out this new path, please let me know!

Back From My Hiatus!!

I haven't posted on this blog in over a month! I can't really believe it...I had even sat down a couple of months ago and brainstormed a bunch of blog-post ideas so that I could write interesting and thought provoking content for all of you lovely readers. However, life happened and I haven't really had the chance/felt like writing a blog post. November was definitely a hard month for me. But I am in the process of getting back in a better mood! It sometimes feels like an uphill battle, but I'm getting there. :) This is just one of the phases you go through when you move to a new place.

Both of my site placements have been great! I am going to try and post more about how my job at PAWS is changing. Maybe I'll get to that tomorrow? I actually have to go into PAWS tomorrow for some training. I haven't actually ever been to PAWS on a weekend day before. It should be an interesting experience! I also have been thinking a lot about my plans for the fall, i.e. Graduate School (dun, dun, dunnnnnnn). Hopefully I will get something up about that as well in case you are anxiously waiting for that. Haha.

I hope that you all are having a wonderful December so far. I do have some exciting news! My presbytery (Grace Presbytery) is the best! I just got an email from them today and they have donated $1300 towards the $6500 total that I need to raise for the year. I feel so blessed to be a part of such an amazing organization. :)

Today was a good day. I worked at PAWS and then my house went over to the Mennonite Volunteer Service house for dinner. It was a lot of fun to meet some more year-long volunteers! But I am tired, so off to bed I go! Goodnight all and sweet dreams. :)

One Month In...

A month in. I can't believe it! It feels like I've been here both longer and shorter...if that is at all possible. Chicago is amazing! Sometimes I forget that I live here...I get caught up in the mundane, daily task of commuting to work on the El. But then I see something that reminds me, like the family I saw on the train yesterday after church. It was obviously a mother and father visiting their semi-grown up daughter. She seemed to be around my age, probably 25 or so. But the parents were so happy to be on the El! It just reminded me that I am living in a city that people come to for vacation. I don't want to forget that...I also don't want to put off experiencing all that Chicago has to offer until its too late. I mean, my office at Fourth overlooks Michigan Avenue! The view is something that people would probably pay to see. There are so many different neighborhoods, museums, stores, restaurants, parks, etc that I want to see and experience before my year is done.


It's funny. I've been realizing lately that one of the reasons I really like Chicago so far is that it reminds me of Copenhagen. The architecture and city layout are completely different--there were buildings I walked past everyday in Copenhagen that were from the 1300s. And the city was not designed to be on a grid like Chicago. But the people somewhat remind me of Danes. Maybe it is because their winter climate is similar, but I just get the feeling that Chicagoans really appreciate the summer and take full advantage of all the many parks. There was one day that I was in Lincoln Park walking between bus stops on my way from Fourth to PAWS and I just stopped and sat down on a park bench. I was surrounded by beautiful flowers and green grass. All around me were people running, walking their dogs, playing with their kids, and just enjoying the beautiful warm weather. It made me feel like I was back in the Tivoli Gardens! Granted, I don't think that it was ever 80 degrees outside when I was over there, but that's not the point. Now that the weather is getting colder people aren't outside as often. It will be interesting to see if the winter months remind me of Denmark as well. Probably because it was really the only time I've experienced living in a climate where it snows!


One of the other things that I realized recently is that although I tried really hard to not have any expectations, I had them. Everyone warned me that setting the bar too high would only make it harder to enjoy my time in Chicago, etc. But I think it is impossible to start a new chapter in your life without having a few expectations! I had expectations about my roommates, my job sites, the house we would be living in, the neighborhood, what church I would attend and Chicago as a city. For the most part, my expectations were completely off. It has taken me a little while to get used to, but I think I am glad that my expectations were not met. I am far from perfect, but I know that by August I will be a better person because I will have been put into situations that were unexpected. If you live in a world where everything is exactly what you want it to be, then where does personal growth come in? I believe that when we are put in new situations it is God challenging us to grow. When I agreed to accept the call to serve a year in Chicago, I definitely had the expectation that at the end of my time here I would have a clear picture in my minds as to how I am meant to live my life. Aka I thought that I would be able to discern graduate school plans. Based on how this past month has gone, I still have high hopes but I have accepted the fact that I probably will need more time.