Stumbling Blocks

Friends,

I was honored to preach at my field site (Lincoln Park Presbyterian Church) on Sunday. Below is a transcript of my sermon. And, of course, the cartoon that I referenced. For it only being my second sermon, I actually wasn't that nervous! Classically, I didn't really give myself enough time to really develop my ideas, so I could have done better. But I think I got my point across. I really appreciate all of the support that my home church, McCormick, and the LPPC congregation gave me on Sunday!

Peace,
Sarah

Luke 18:9-14: Jesus told this parable to certain people who had convinced themselves that they were righteous and who looked on everyone else with disgust: “Two people went up to the temple to pray. One was a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed about himself with these words, ‘God, I thank you that I’m not like everyone else—crooks, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week. I give a tenth of everything I receive.’ But the tax collector stood at a distance. He wouldn’t even lift his eyes to look toward heaven. Rather, he struck his chest and said, ‘God, show mercy to me, a sinner.’ I tell you, this person went down to his home justified rather than the Pharisee. All who lift themselves up will be brought low, and those who make themselves low will be lifted up.”

This might be one of the only times there was a projector in the sanctuary. I had a friend send me a cartoon a few days ago, that I think is perfect for this parable. Cyanide and Happiness is an internet cartoon, and one of my favorites. Now, I’ll be honest. Not all of their cartoons are “Sunday morning sermon” appropriate. But this one was just perfect! It is a 4-panel cartoon, with two friends talking.

Person 1: “I want to lend my friend money to help him out, but I’m worried he’ll spend it on drugs. Hmm…what would Jesus do?”

Person 2: “Say a bunch of stuff, then be misinterpreted by millions of people for the next few millennia?”

Person 1: “That’s not what I meant at all.”

Person 2: “So we’re off to a good start.”

Jesus is speaking to people who “have convinced themselves that they were righteous and looked upon everyone else in disgust”.  A Pharisee and a tax collector are going to the temple to pray. The Pharisees were the religious leaders. They were held in high respect by the public and indeed, were very much the public image of the religious class. Now, as someone who studied accounting in undergrad, I have a very different idea of what a tax collector is today compared to those in the first century. A tax collector could walk up to anyone on the street and tax them for what they were carrying. These men were typically Jewish individuals, working for Rome, and often would overtax people so they could keep some of the money. I don’t know about you, but I do not like the sound of that. The tax collectors were often put down and considered to be vicious, vile and degraded.

The argument could be made that both parties in this parable are correct. I think depending on the day you’re having, you can identify with the Pharisee or the tax collector. Days when I feel like I’ve really got it together, I can easily thank God by saying, “I am so glad I am not like them!” But those days when I feel as though everything is going against me, all I can do is act like the tax collector and beg for God’s mercy.

It is easy to interpret it in a straightforward manner. If you have even the slightest knowledge about Jesus’s life and the message he came to share, then seeing the Pharisee as Jesus’s nemesis is easily done. And the tax collectors were hated in Jesus’s day, again, another easy target. We see the surface-level messages of “be humble” or, “don’t be like the self-righteous Pharisee”. Which could be a valid interpretation of the text. But then we are left with possibly taking away the message of, “thank goodness I’m not like those people over there. Because I’m here in church, actively listening to Scripture, and have learned to be humble”.

This parable is a trap. We’ve been set up by the author of Luke to take the easy road – be humble and not boastful. Don’t think too highly of yourself, and you’re on the right path. I like to think of the author of Luke as a director who just looooooves plot twists. Someone like M. Night Shyamalan, who directed The Sixth Sense, Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island or Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Now honestly the twist in this parable isn’t one that’s going to knock you out of your seats, send you running from the pews or leave you feeling like you don’t know whether or not you’re living in The Matrix. But the message, like so many of Jesus’s parables, is a twist nevertheless.

So what is going on here? Before we get into all of that, I just want to define a few terms for you. Because if I learned anything from high school debate, it was that you have to define the terms you’re going to use or else people might get caught up.

Righteousness – mostly concerning moral and ethical conduct. Historically, are you seen as doing the right thing in God’s eyes? Are you following the laws?

Justified – when one has been declared or made righteous in God’s eyes. This is more than just following the laws. I see it as are you following the spirit of the law, not just the words. Only then will you be justified: and be declared righteous.

When translating the Greek, you end up with 2 sets of words – just and right. Both of these words share a common root in the Greek, which can also be traced back to a Hebraic concept of the Old Testament – God’s gracious and covenantal relationship to the people of Israel. This root word was also used in the everyday Greek of the New Testament times to imply whether or not one was following the standard laws laid out in the Old Testament.

What is the real concern here? Being a Pharisee/tax collector or praising too loudly?

Everything that the Pharisee says in Luke is true. He is righteous, according to the laws, the standards that Luke establishes and even by Jesus who names him as righteous in this story. The Pharisee has set himself apart by faithfully adhering to the law. In verse 11 when he thanks God for not making him like everyone else, he is basically holding up his life to the 10 commandments. He fasts during the week, he tithes, he prays to God. The Pharisee doesn’t understand that the source of his righteousness is from God. What the Pharisee is confused about is not how he should be living his life, because he is already living a life of righteousness.

The tax collector’s prayer is not one that we would immediately think is the right one. He doesn’t say that he is quitting his job, or going to help those who he cheated. The tax collector hasn’t tried to start a better life, just admitted the one that he is living right now is not ok. The tax collector knows that his life is not a righteous one. He stood at a distance from the temple, not wanting to go too close. The tax collector was correct not because his prayer was humble, but because he knew that he hasn’t done anything to claim righteousness. The tax collector knows that righteousness is a gift from God, and did the only thing he could: ask for forgiveness and mercy. He depended on God.

This parable is being told to people who had convinced themselves that they were righteous and who looked upon everyone else with disgust. Finding righteousness in yourself is the problem.  The Pharisee is not claiming righteousness that he doesn’t possess, but he is claiming that all of his righteousness is from his own personal actions and choices. The Pharisee might be praying to God, but he is really thanking himself for making the right decisions.

One’s own accomplishments are not to be praised and are not enough stake a claim to righteousness through. That is through God and God alone. But the Pharisee takes it farther and, like the people Jesus is speaking to in this parable, is haughty enough to despise others within the context of prayer. 

Here’s the real crux of the story. The “Haves” vs “Havenots”. Instead of thanking God for his righteousness and approaching the tax collector as an equal, the Pharisee places himself above the tax collector in prayer. This goes against everything that Jesus taught. He came to break down the divisions that were put into place. This man, who was righteous, was not understanding. This is not ok in the eyes of Jesus.  At church there are still insiders and outsiders. We define them in different ways, but they still exist. I know that I am guilty of it. If I hear about a conservative Christian church doing something that I think is inappropriate or against the message that Jesus taught, I find myself saying, “Thank goodness I am not like them!” These divisions exist in conservative and liberal Christianity. We have just renamed the Pharisees and tax collectors. But there shouldn’t be these divisions. When Jesus died, the curtain separating the 2 groups was torn in two (Luke 23:45). There are no divisions before God. And prayer is not the place to only further instill these divisions in our head.

Back to the story - the Pharisee left and went to his home, maintaining his righteousness. He was wrong, but still followed the laws. So he had his righteousness. But the tax collector left the temple justified. Here’s this word, justified. His prayer was transformative. Jesus named him justified because he put his trust in God, not himself. The Pharisee left the temple the same as how he was when he came. But the tax collector was lifted up by Jesus and declared to be equal in the eyes of God.

This parable is really about shifting the attention we put on ourselves and our own actions to God’s great grace, mercy and love.

So what? How can we apply this parable to our lives today? This parable is perfect for stewardship season. How are you serving the church? Are you serving to maintain your righteousness? Are you serving so that you will be exalted by others? Do we serve to put ourselves in the ‘righteous’ group?

Now, I cannot really speak for this congregation, but I know that I have had problems in the past with accepting leadership roles because I wanted the spotlight. I wanted people to look at me and say, gosh. Look how many things Sarah is doing! About a year ago, I was beginning seminary. I didn't come to seminary blindly, but I also didn't come with the wealth of knowledge and experience that I assumed my classmates would have. So I was extremely nervous. I wanted to make a good impression and thought the best way to do that was to be involved in the culture of the school in a way that I was not involved in in undergrad. When I was nominated by my classmates to be a deacon representative during orientation, I was extremely flattered! However I didn't spend much time prayerfully thinking about accepting the nomination. I just thought about how much I wanted to be in a leadership role and accepted. Once a deacon, I almost immediately went for the most public position: the co-moderator. I cannot honestly say that I took on this role for selfless reasons. On the contrary, they were extremely selfish. I wanted people to put me in the righteous category, not the tax collector category. I was the person who was able to take a full load of classes, work 2 jobs and run the deacons. But I was trying to maintain my own righteousness. I wanted all of the glory. I loved the way that people treated me differently. But I should have been working to tear down the divisions instead of working within them.

While we are in the midst of the stewardship season, I want to challenge you to think about ways that you try and maintain your own righteousness. Are you serving because you feel called by God? Are you serving because you want to be seen as righteous and holy in the eyes of others? Or is your serving rooted in love? What are the ways that you can flourish, and help others to flourish? To be justified, like the tax collector, we need to remember that it isn’t just about doing the right things all the time. Our actions are not enough. We need to base our lives in trusting God’s mercy, seeking God’s love and remembering to love our neighbor. Don’t stumble over the easy interpretation or answer. Place your trust in God’s mercy, because no one is excluded before God.

Why I needed seminary (and why we all need it)

Friends,

I had a major breakthrough yesterday during class. I know that it has been a while since I have blogged (clearly this isn't something high on my priority list), but I've had this revelation and wanted to share it with you.

Some of you might know that I have applied to have my degree program changed from Master of Divinity (M.Div) to Master of Arts in Ministry (MAM). This would mean that I am graduating in May 2014 instead of May 2015. The MAM is for people who desire a theological education, but are not planing on entering ordained ministry. I do not feel called towards ordained ministry, and do not see a future (at least at this point in my life) where I would need a M.Div instead of a MAM. For those of you who might remember, I had a very strong call experience. In February of 2012, I knew without a doubt that God was calling me to McCormick. Discerning whether or not that meant going into ministry was still up in the air. But I felt called, and (almost) immediately followed.

My time at McCormick has been life-changing. And that is why God called me to this place.

I have never been the most introspective of people. I find it much easier to make the practical decision rather than the one that I want or feel called towards. I am easily swayed by the wants or opinions of close friends and family. I don't want to spend time thinking about what I want, because that is often harder than picking the option that "makes sense". I can only think of one point in my life where I chose the option that didn't really make sense, and that was my YAV year.

In class yesterday, we had to look back at our life and think of important events, people and places that have shaped us into who we are as Christians. I realized that up until mid-way through my YAV year, I didn't think about that. I knew who was important in my life, and I knew the places that made me feel closer to God. But I hadn't sat down and thought about the trajectory of my life up until that point. Honestly, it was (and still is) just easier for me to think about the future rather than think about my past. Because when I think about my past, I think about my mistakes.

Seminary has been a place where I have been forced to think about my past. Yes, I have been asked to think about mistakes. But I have also been encouraged to think about the positive events and aspects of my life as well. And these were class assignments, not just "suggested activities" to do on our own time (aka I would not have done them unless it was required for class). Every class I have taken has challenged me. It was difficult for me to share these aspects of my life in class. My entire "schooling career" up until this point consisted of regurgitating information or applying learned theories to different scenarios. Never was I asked, beyond primary school, what I thought, what I felt, or how was I affected by the subject matter. Applying my own experience to a topic was a completely foreign idea to me.

As I said previously, every class at McCormick has challenged me. The content, along with my professors and peers, has challenged me to do what I didn't want to do - process my life up until this point. Many people come to seminary after years of ignoring God calling them to ministry. I happily and eagerly came to seminary, thinking that it would just be a few more years of schooling. Easy peasy! Had I known then how emotionally challenging some of my classes would be, I might not have come at all. Had I known that I would be willingly sharing pieces of my life with almost strangers, I definitely would not have come. Had I known that seminary would completely change my hopes and dreams for the future, I would have turned and run away.

It is true, most people come to seminary because God has called them towards ordained ministry. My friends are learning the skills that will serve them in their future (and for some, present) ministries around the world. But I have come to realize that I needed seminary so that I could discover who it is that God is calling me to be in the world. I needed seminary so that I could be changed. I needed the McCormick community to help me realize that our past is not full of mistakes. I needed my friends to show me that it is ok to pursue your dreams, no matter what they are. I needed seminary to inspire me to radically shift how I live my life.

Some people might say that I am called to ordained ministry. But I cannot say that. And to pursue it at this point in my life would feel like a lie. I would be lying to my classmates, the Church universal and most importantly, to myself. Seeking ordination is the decision that makes sense. It is the next step after seminary that I am expected to make. But if seminary has taught me anything, it has taught me to be radical. To follow God's call, not what people want or expect for me. To seek a position in ordained ministry would be to ignore everything that I learned over the previous year.

Honestly, I don't know what the future holds. Unable to break all of my habits, I am in the process of looking for a few things to occupy my time post-graduation. The most exciting one would take me away from Chicago, to a new place and new experiences. It is sad to think about potentially leaving all that I have built here in Chicago, but exciting to dream of new possibilities. But I am trying to focus on today. I am trying to put my attention on the things that are a part of my life right now.

I have imagined where I would be if I had gone straight into graduate school after undergrad. I would most definitely have more money, but I don't think that I would be better off in any other way. I absolutely made the right choice coming to seminary. It wasn't the easy choice and it isn't the easiest path to be on. But as they say, the best things in life don't come for free.

First Impressions: Seminary

Sometimes I still can't believe that I'm in seminary. These past few weeks haven't felt real. I don't really know how to describe it. I've never been in classes before that opened with prayer and the professors actually wanted to hear our opinions & thoughts. When I was in undergrad at Trinity, I felt like the professors just asked us questions to make sure that we had done the readings. Granted- when the subject one studies is accounting, there really isn't much room for interpretation and opinion. That's how companies end up with fraudulent accounting and suspect business practices.

I am currently enrolled in 4 classes: Pilgrimage in Faithfulness (PIF), Intro to Biblical Studies, History Survey 1 and Sexual & Domestic Violence. PIF is a course that all entering first-year seminarians are required to take. We are going to discuss subjects like baptism, communion, etc. From my understanding, the course is designed to not only orient us with the other opinions and viewpoints that our classmates bring, but to also make us evaluate what we ourselves believe. Intro to Biblical Studies is just that...and introductory course to studying the Bible from an academic lens. This is not the most exciting of courses, but I know that it is going to be invaluable for me since I only took 2 "religion" courses in college: Old Testament and World Religions. Neither of which taught me how to write an exegetical paper (a critical study and evaluation of biblical text). History Survey 1 is the first of 2 required Christian history classes that I need to take. So far it has been fun to learn about the early Christians!

Sexual & Domestic Violence (SDV) is my "fun" course for the semester. I think the best advice I received from my advisor & other McCormick students was to register for a course that I actually wanted to take vs a course that is required. Instead of Greek, I chose to register for SDV. For those of you who don't know, I took a course on international human trafficking when I studied abroad in Copenhagen. Although the class material was upsetting and disturbing, the information I learned is invaluable. These things (human trafficking & sexual and domestic violence) happen and extremely prevalent in our society. When they are not discussed, the issues do not go away. Instead we are just ignorant to them and people around us get hurt. I know I have more to say on this topic, but that is a different post for another day. For now, I'll just say this: sexual and domestic violence happens to people across political lines, sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic status, religious beliefs, and education. The victims of domestic violence should never be blamed. Men are not the dominant partner in the typical heterosexual marriage and clergy should never tell someone to put their marriage before their own personal safety or the well being of a child.

On a more positive note, I love living in Hyde Park. I actually feel at home here. Lately I came to the realization that if I do not feel at home somewhere, it is hard for me to adjust and enjoy new experiences. That was one of my biggest roadblocks to overcome while at Trinity. I lived in San Antonio for 4 years, but I never grew to think of it as home. Likewise, even though I lived in my YAV house for an entire year, it was never a place that I felt comfortable, relaxed and safe. Unfortunately, these times in my life were also times of immense personal growth. It was an emotional and spiritual struggle that was only increased by my feeling of displacement. I am so thankful that McCormick is an open, welcoming, and affirming community. I have already made some great friends and I am looking forward to the next 3 years with a positive & optimistic outlook. I am excited to learn and discern God's call alongside these amazing people! 

4th of July Reflections

In our reading for today is Jesus’ baptism by John the Baptist. For some reason, the image of Jesus being baptized brings to mind the children I see playing in the water gushing from broken fire hydrants. I think that if Jesus was to come to Chicago today, he would not be baptized in Lake Michigan, but instead on the street from the water of a broken fire hydrant. Because the neighborhoods of broken fire hydrants need Jesus’ ministry…all places need the message of love, but I believe these broken neighborhoods could use a little extra help. I read in the news today that there were 15 people were shot between the hours of 5:30 pm and 11:30 pm yesterday. One of the people shot was a little girl…just trying to cool off in the stream of water from a broken fire hydrant.

Tonight, all across the country people are celebrating the 4^th of July. But I am having a hard time mustering up my “Go America” attitude. Right now there are people shooting off fireworks all around my house. They are beautiful, but they sound like gunshots to me. 250 people have died due to a gun shot wound. Sure, some of them might be gang related, but that doesn’t mean those men/women/boys/girls deserved to be shot. When will the violence end and freedom begin? How is the west-side, south-side and north-side of Chicago any different than the 3^rd world countries we read about in the news?

In her reflection of today’s reading, Donna Gray wrote, “Jesus said that he was the good shepherd and that the sheep would know his voice. In fact people who know sheep husbandry explain that sheep do know and will follow the voice of their good shepherd. They know the difference between the voice of their shepherd and another who might lead them to places other than the paths of righteousness. I love Jesus' words, for they ring true.”

Her words made me think: Where are we in the midst of this violence? Are we following Jesus’ words or are we choosing to be baptized in Lake Michigan instead of the broken fire hydrants of Chicago. What can I do to help stop this senseless violence?

I celebrated the 4^th of July by having lunch with Kiva, Potts, Jana (Kiva’s old roommate from college who is visiting) & Rachel (a girl from Grinnell College who is interning at 4^th this summer & I was worried she wouldn’t have any fun plans!). I grilled sausages & made salad, corn on the cob, baked beans & peach cobbler for dessert! My salad was a red, white & blue salad. It has been my favorite salad for the past few days—strawberries, blue berries, goat cheese, balsamic vinaigrette, cashews and spinach/arugula. YUM! You need to make this salad ASAP if you know what’s good for you. Then Kiva, Jana and I went to a White Sox game. They played the Rangers & it was a really fun game! (Chicago won btw in case you were wondering) Then I came home to make today’s daily video and wrote the reflection above. Tomorrow is back to work as usual.

Sorry for the downer of a blog post. I truly am eternally grateful for those who sacrifice their lives to defend our country. I thank God every day for Rebecca, Alex, & their peers. And I hope that everyone had a blessed day.

Post-Workcamp Reflection

I was asked to give a reflection of my workcamp experience on Sunday. The Senior Highs led the 4:00 worship service at Fourth & the sermon was us reading our reflections. So, here is my reflection on the workcamp. I might post more information regarding my experience at a later date, but for now, this is it. Below is a picture of our group. If you want to watch reflections by the youth & see pictures of our work during the week, go like the Senior High's Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/seniorhighs. You should also like the Housing Development Alliance's facebook page & view our photo's on their page.  

The group in our fancy orange t-shirts in front of 1st Presbyterian of Hazard, KY

Hello! My name is Sarah Bennett and I work here at Fourth Church, normally with the middle school youth. During our week in Hazard, Kentucky, we all learned different things, but what stuck out to me most was that this week was a lesson in patience. It seems almost every day there was something that required patience. We had to be patient in the van during the 8-hour long van ride to Kentucky, with other members of our workcamp on and off the worksites, during meal preparation time,  & with ourselves while learning new skills at the worksites.

The adult leaders were assigned to the same worksite for all 4 of the work days. I was at the house that was the closest to being completed. When we first arrived to the house on Monday, it still looked very much like a construction zone. The walls were bare and the floors were just plywood. By the time we left on Thursday, all of the walls had been painted, the flooring was down, the kitchen cabinets were installed and the interior doors were going up. Although we were not doing anything as major as re-doing the roof of a house, our job was still very important, as we helped put the finishing touches on someone’s home.

Alison, the other adult leader at the worksite, and I were especially lucky because we were able to get to know the homeowner during our time working on her house. Talking with Robyn reminded me that patience is important. It’s ok with Robyn that her house is taking twice as long to construct because unskilled volunteers are doing a lot of the work alongside the carpenters. The important thing is that her house is being constructed!

Even though our lives only crossed for a short period of time, Robyn’s stories and attitude towards life have deeply impacted me. Almost every day Robyn told us heartbreaking stories of what her young family has already been forced to endure, and yet she said it all with a smile on her face. It was truly a testimony to the strong faith she and her husband share. There is no doubt in her mind or mine that God is present in the construction of their new home. I only hope that I can take Robyn’s enthusiasm and patience and apply it to my own life.

Worrywart-ville, Population: moi

Lately I have been sort of stressing out about starting my M.Div program at McCormick. I think there are a few reasons for it.

Change scares me. Not in the debilitating way it terrifies others, just a slow gnawing feeling in the bottom of my stomach that eats away at me over time. Yikes, dramatic much? Ok, so its not actually that bad. I am just someone who gets nervous easily. Change makes me nervous. Starting a new program is change. Therefore, new program = nervous. Which, when I think about it, isn't really that abnormal.

I have to move. As of right now, I have a lot of stuff in my room that I'll need to move and I don't have any means of transportation besides the CTA. I can't be too sure, but I don't think it is realistic for me to try and move furniture via the green line and the 55 bus all the way to Hyde Park. Adding to my concerns is the fact that I don't have anyone to help me move. Most of my stuff is feasibly carried by 1 person, but there are a few things that require at least 2 people. Granted, I haven't asked very many people to help me and I am assuming that I can find at least 1 or 2 people to help with the move, but still. Worry-some nevertheless. If there is anyone reading this who will be in Chicago the week of August 20th and wants to help me move: let me know! :)

I am not a religious studies major, gender studies major or humanities major. I know that this is not a requirement for seminary, but I still worry that my base-line level of knowledge is different (aka lower) than my future classmates'. Hopefully once classes start this fear will dissolve into an appreciation for different backgrounds and experiences. That's pretty much what I am banking on since I doubt my knowledge of Income Tax Law will be much help in my Pilgrimage of Faithfulness course.

I do not know anyone at McCormick. Ok, this is not entirely true, since I have met people that study or work at McCormick. HOWEVER, it is still a concern. My class is only 35 people. Hopefully in that class there will be people I get along with and connect to. But I still worry about starting a program like this without knowing others. I do have "2nd degree friends" who will be there. Aka I know people who know people who are starting at McCormick in the fall. If there are any future McCormick students reading this: I hope you are cool! :D

As of August 2012, I will be unemployed. I am actively searching for and apply to various jobs in Chicago, but have not heard back from any of them. I did get a grant to cover 7 courses for next year, which is awesome (!!) but still technically leaves me with the cost of paying for 2 courses and living expenses. One option I have come up with is to just take 7 classes (3 each semester and 1 Jan term) next year instead of the typical 9 (4 each semester and 1 Jan term). This might be a smart idea since I have been out of school for a year. Also, I want to avoid student loans. However, that still leaves me with a serious chunk of money to come up with in just a few short months. If there are any millionaires who want to give me money or people who want to give me a job reading this: please feel free to email me!! ;)

I think that pretty much sums up my reasoning for being stressed.

All of that being said, I was at McCormick today and I am also really excited to start my classes soon. Rachel Wells, who was a YAV in India and just recently returned to the states, is visiting the Chicago site. She wanted to take a tour of McCormick so we headed on down there this morning/afternoon. It was great being on the tour again and seeing the building from the perspective of an incoming student vs a prospective student. Everyone I have ever met who works at, studies at or an alum from McCormick is awesome. I don't know if I could have picked a better seminary. And, I absolutely adore Hyde Park. Even when I visited for the first time in November and it was cold, windy and snowing, I still loved it.

All in all, my stress < my excitement, which I take as a good sign.

What Do I Want Out of Seminary?

Tomorrow morning I am visiting McCormick Seminary. As of right now, it is my top choice for seminary. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what I am looking to get out of an M.Div program. I'm not quite sure yet how all of this meshes together, but the following things are ideas that have been floating around in my head:

• What does it mean to be Presbyterian? To be Methodist? To be Catholic? To be Lutheran? Why do people choose one denomination over another? Frederick Buechner likens it to team mentality over a difference in theology. He writes that people choose one church over another for superficial reasons. And that they don't really know what they believe. I definitely fall (somewhat) into that camp. This YAV year has been especially amazing for me because it has forced me to think about some of these things in a way I've never thought of them before. I am slowly formulating in my mind what my beliefs actually are and how they fit in with the Presbyterian Church (USA). 
• What does an open dialogue between people from different denominations look like? An actual open dialogue- not just tolerating the other's beliefs but actually trying to understand and accept. There is a huge difference between listening to what someone is saying and actually hearing what they have to say. This year I have had cross-denominational conversations, but I am not sure if I was listened to or heard. And vice versa, I'm not sure if I was listening to or actually hearing what was said. 
• How would that play out in worship? Especially if most of the differences in church denominations is not actually theological differences, but instead differences in styles of worship? I want to explore other ways of worship. What about a worship space that is used more than just Sunday mornings? Why can't we have a space that also allows for people to relax, have fun & enjoy being around other people?

Right now I am also reading The Screwtape Letters. I found the book when I was about 12 years old in a closet at First Pres- Granbury. When I read it back then, I had no idea what I was reading. Now that I am reading it again, it has helped me formulate some of the above. Anyway- that is just a little of what I've been trying to process over the past few weeks and put into words. 

I am really excited for my visit to McCormick tomorrow! I'll try and post something about my thoughts on the school tomorrow. 

You Told Me So...

I have been terrible about updating this blog recently. My goal is to do better now that my hectic month of February is over. But yesterday I had a very strange/life-changing experience and wanted to share it with y'all.

I was on my way back to Chicago with the Fourth Church middle school youth from our Winter Retreat in Wisconsin. We were in the van driving away from the camp and I was thinking about my graduate school options. I have been in the process of applying to graduate schools to get my master's in accounting. Where to attend grad school has been on my mind a lot lately, so it wasn't unusual that I was thinking about it. What was weird and disconcerting was that I suddenly had the sense that I was not on the right path. My head starting pounding and I couldn't hear anything but the blood rushing to my head. I was completely overcome with emotion and had to try really hard to keep my composure since I was in a van full of people. The only thing that kept running through my head was the sense that I should be going to seminary next year.

I know it sounds strange, but this really did happen. It's hard to describe...and hard to talk about. I have felt called to do things before, but never like this. I felt called by God to go on my first mission trip back in middle school. I felt called by God to work as a camp counselor one summer in high school. I felt called by God to do a year of service here in Chicago. But I have never felt such a strong calling before. The skeptic in me tried to convince myself that I was just sleep deprived, worried about going back to graduate school for accounting and excited about how well our retreat went. But the other part of me cannot accept these things as reasons to not listen to my experience. So what if I was tired? Maybe I am worried about going back to school for accounting because part of me knows deep down that isn't what I'm meant to do with my life. And who cares that I was in a good mood because the retreat went well? Experiences such as the one I had do not happen all the time. Isn't everyone always complaining that God doesn't speak to them clearly enough? I am pretty sure that more than once this month I have said something along the lines of, "Why doesn't God speak through burning bushes anymore?" This might be the closest thing to a burning bush that I'll ever get.

I have thought in the past of going to seminary. Well, let me clarify that statement. For about a year, I have been considering seminary. It wasn't until I went to the YAV Placement Event in March of last year that I even considered seminary. Prior to March of 2011, seminary seemed like a distant place filled with stuffy old white guys who just sat around debating the merits of Calvin. Now, I know there is a lot wrong with that sentence, but when I was a kid that image got into my mind somehow and never seemed to work its way out. As I got older, I realized that these stereotypes of seminary from the 1850s were not accurate, but I never considered myself as someone who would fit-in at a seminary. I thought theology would be boring and just semantics. I was worried the things I believed would not be accepted or ok. The list goes on and on....but more recently I have been wondering if these reasons were valid or just excuses.

For me, February has been the month of Vocational Discernment. I went on 2 different vocational retreats and have spent a lot of time thinking about life, the future, vocation, my calling, whatever you want to call it. I have also had many conversations with people wondering if seminary is in my future. Since I work at a church, I wrote off many of their questions as just them wanting to make me go to seminary. I would hate talking about my plans for the fall because it always made me really nervous. If I had decided on a Masters in Accounting, then why wasn't I happy? Why wasn't I excited to share my plans for the future with anyone? When everything fell into place about my YAV year here in Chicago, I felt like I was always talking about it! I was so excited!! So maybe that feeling of dread that came over me wasn't just nervousness about the future. Maybe I should have listened to that little voice in the back of my head sooner.

I am always telling the kids in Elevation that God speaks to us through every day situations- and I honestly believe that. Unfortunately, I was apparently too stubborn and boneheaded to pay attention to the signs in my own life. I basically needed to be slapped upside the head to get the message. To those who kept asking me about seminary and not accepting my reasons as actual answers, thank you and you were right. Please feel free to say, "I told you so!" the next time I see you. Your questions, though unwanted at the time, are now very much appreciated.

As of right now, I do not know where I want to go to seminary or what I want to do with an M.Div. HOWEVER, I am not going to let that be a deterrent any longer. It is no longer the 1850s- the student population in seminary is more diverse. My thoughts and ideas are just as valuable as someone else's. Theology is not as stuffy as I thought. (Granted, I still think it would be really easy to get caught up in the semantics and not actually have a conversation about anything real, but that is beside the point.) The skeptical part of my brain will just have to take a rest for a little while. Man, who knew that 3 minutes could change your life so drastically?

If you have any questions/comments - feel free to email me. Additionally, if you have any reading suggestions to help me to figure out this new path, please let me know!

What I Did Today + Room Pictures!

Today I reorganized my room. And I think I like it now...before I was sharing it with another person. But now I moved some stuff around, and it feels more comfortable to me! I will put up some pictures. My room is a little messy though, so no judging! Haha :)

Today we didn't really have a lesson during Elevation. I had planned to talk to the kids about Cain & Abel, but there were only 6 kids. We normally have 30- 35 kids, so I decided that it would be best to wait until the majority of the class was there. Instead we played Never-Have-I-Ever. It was a lot of fun to get to know the 6 kids that were there better. After Elevation, I stayed for the Young Adult gathering, which was a really interesting discussion. We talked about Jesus' crucifixion. Realistically, that isn't a topic that I have spent much time thinking about. I feel like most of the things that we talk about during the Young Adult gatherings are topics that I have never really put a lot of thought into. I definitely think that between the gatherings and the discussions that my house gets into, my beliefs and views are going to be challenged a lot in the coming months.

After the gathering, I wandered around the city. I didn't really go anywhere specific, I just walked around the Loop. The Loop is the area of downtown that is contained within the loop of train tracks that the El makes. There are so many beautiful buildings in Chicago! It was a perfect day outside today, and so I took advantage of the warm weather to just wander and explore.

The Chicago Marathon was today. When I was walking around the city I saw a bunch of people with their medals on. It was really funny because most of them wanted to take off the medal because they felt weird wearing it, but their friends and family members that were with them wanted them to leave the medal on. I could definitely picture me and Rebecca in that situation--me forcing Rebecca to leave the medal on. I congratulated a lot of them, which I like to think made them happy. Running 26.2 miles is no small feat. I don't know that I would go so far as to say that I want to run a marathon one day, but I definitely think I want to run a half-marathon! My only problem is finding the motivation to get to the gym. It is especially hard right now because I keep putting off finding a gym! I know that once winter hits I won't be able to run outside, so I had better get a move on!

Ok, here are some pictures of my room! I will try and upload some more tomorrow morning because I am sure they will turn out better in the natural light.

Week's Goal: Find a gym!!

One Month In...

A month in. I can't believe it! It feels like I've been here both longer and shorter...if that is at all possible. Chicago is amazing! Sometimes I forget that I live here...I get caught up in the mundane, daily task of commuting to work on the El. But then I see something that reminds me, like the family I saw on the train yesterday after church. It was obviously a mother and father visiting their semi-grown up daughter. She seemed to be around my age, probably 25 or so. But the parents were so happy to be on the El! It just reminded me that I am living in a city that people come to for vacation. I don't want to forget that...I also don't want to put off experiencing all that Chicago has to offer until its too late. I mean, my office at Fourth overlooks Michigan Avenue! The view is something that people would probably pay to see. There are so many different neighborhoods, museums, stores, restaurants, parks, etc that I want to see and experience before my year is done.


It's funny. I've been realizing lately that one of the reasons I really like Chicago so far is that it reminds me of Copenhagen. The architecture and city layout are completely different--there were buildings I walked past everyday in Copenhagen that were from the 1300s. And the city was not designed to be on a grid like Chicago. But the people somewhat remind me of Danes. Maybe it is because their winter climate is similar, but I just get the feeling that Chicagoans really appreciate the summer and take full advantage of all the many parks. There was one day that I was in Lincoln Park walking between bus stops on my way from Fourth to PAWS and I just stopped and sat down on a park bench. I was surrounded by beautiful flowers and green grass. All around me were people running, walking their dogs, playing with their kids, and just enjoying the beautiful warm weather. It made me feel like I was back in the Tivoli Gardens! Granted, I don't think that it was ever 80 degrees outside when I was over there, but that's not the point. Now that the weather is getting colder people aren't outside as often. It will be interesting to see if the winter months remind me of Denmark as well. Probably because it was really the only time I've experienced living in a climate where it snows!


One of the other things that I realized recently is that although I tried really hard to not have any expectations, I had them. Everyone warned me that setting the bar too high would only make it harder to enjoy my time in Chicago, etc. But I think it is impossible to start a new chapter in your life without having a few expectations! I had expectations about my roommates, my job sites, the house we would be living in, the neighborhood, what church I would attend and Chicago as a city. For the most part, my expectations were completely off. It has taken me a little while to get used to, but I think I am glad that my expectations were not met. I am far from perfect, but I know that by August I will be a better person because I will have been put into situations that were unexpected. If you live in a world where everything is exactly what you want it to be, then where does personal growth come in? I believe that when we are put in new situations it is God challenging us to grow. When I agreed to accept the call to serve a year in Chicago, I definitely had the expectation that at the end of my time here I would have a clear picture in my minds as to how I am meant to live my life. Aka I thought that I would be able to discern graduate school plans. Based on how this past month has gone, I still have high hopes but I have accepted the fact that I probably will need more time.